And the beat goes on…

I feel as if I have been on a hiatus for quite a while now.  Each day is a new day and they are getting longer. This hiatus comes with little money and not much fun, so I wouldn’t recommend it.  I’ve interviewed a number of times for jobs over the past couple of months, but I have been unsuccessful in finding anything that fits me and them.  Constant interviews take a huge toll on me.  I feel beat up at times after some of these interviews.  Sometimes these things just take time.

I am now looking at jobs in places where I would have to relocate, other states and countries, and I have mixed feelings about relocating.  Relocating a couple of years ago didn’t work out so well for me, so I’m scared to try it again.  Yet, nothing local seems to be panning out.  I have the option of being self-employed, but that is a lot of work and is new territory for me.

I don’t always do this, but I read my tarot cards last night.  I’d rather have someone else read my tarot for me, but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.  The outcome of the reading, after two different types of readings, does not look good for me, which means I need to change some things right now in the course of my life to avoid having a “not so good” outcome.  I don’t know how much I believe in quantum physics as it applies to the tarot and/or other measuring tools like astrology, but I’ve found these tools to be fairly accurate at times, much to my surprise.  Just so you know, I turn to tarot when I feel lost.  It’s sort of a last resort for me.

On another note, I began writing some science fiction, so we’ll see how that goes and if it winds up on the blog. The elephant in the room right now is having THIS blog.  It’s probably not advised and there are times that I am thinking of disappearing this part of my life.  I don’t think a connection can be made to the actual me, but who knows for sure?  These days employers check the internet and the tags on your underwear before hiring you.  I’m uncertain what to think about all of that. .

I am baring my soul to you right now.  I got screwed on my last job, and this doesn’t help the reference section on my current resume’.  I don’t know what I’m going to do if things don’t come together for me soon.  I’m getting a bit used to not working, and that’s not good, but eventually unemployment money runs out, and then what?  I need to think positive and do things that will bring me up.  I’m trying, but it’s not easy.

Then there is this little factor going on that I have not been on some needed medications for a while now.  This is due to a disruption in my insurance.  It’s not helping me do well at interviews or anywhere else to be without this needed medication.  I have health insurance now, thanks to Obama, but it’s just now coming into effect and the pharmacy is out of what I need.  Today was quite a cluster fuck for me.  I damaged my truck which pissed me the fuck off.  It’s the side panel and I hit into a metal post and scraped it.  Jeezus….  Then the pharmacy doesn’t have my pills, and I’m unsure what to do about that.  I guess try more pharmacies.  I need those pills.

Well that’s all for now.  Take it easy.  Any opinions or views on any of this would be appreciated.  There seems to be something wrong with my comments, so I’ll see if I can look into that right away.  We’ll see I guess.


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Sexual Contusions

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my sexuality lately.  I’ve known that I was bisexual for a while, but I’m beginning to think I’m not even bisexual but a full blown lesbian.  I am becoming more attractive to women all the time.  The sad part is that I feel I missed the boat.  I’m getting older now and I spent too many years fucking around and not understanding anything about myself, including being gay.

I recall a conversation I had with my cousin about seven or eight years ago.  He told me how fucked up he was from his upbringing, particularly the religious part of it.  He had been through a lot of mind trips.  At that time I didn’t feel the exact same way, but now I do.  I felt fucked up for so many other reasons, but not my sexuality.

I want to find a woman that I love who loves me back and shack up with her.  I guess that about sums it up for me.  There are not many women I am attracted to, but there are a few.  I want to live life on my own terms.  Good fucking Lord, why this and why now?  Is my life going to be all about self-discovery or am I going to get a chance to live it.  I’m not sure what to think.


lesbian lovers

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The Brothel 10

Time to update something else for a change.

The Brothel 10

The Eye of the Storm

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More Births

Granddaughter’s birthday is tomorrow.  She is one.  Mom’s birthday is Sunday, R.I.P.  She would have been age 83?  I have a brother with a birthday on Sunday as well.  He would never be seen on social media though, and I don’t want to call him.  Is that bad?  I never realized so many people I know have birthdays in April.  Hmmm.

I am looking all over the place for jobs it seems.  How does London sound?  What about Northern Montana?  LOL  Maybe I will run into the Jackson’s if I go to Montana.

Say goodnight Gracie.


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Quit over thinking things

Thought of Russ all day on April 1.  Thought of Mark all day on March 7.  Thought of Cheryl all day on March 8.  Those where their birthdays, let’s not even get into their death dates.  Are they happier?  I seriously need to get out of this funk.

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Another shooting in Fort Hood.  All I can think of are the lyrics to John Lennon’s song.

Imagine all the people
Living life in peace…



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Turn turn turn

I am feeling nostalgic tonight and have been for quite some time.  My current status?  I remain unemployed, but my job search is becoming more serious these days than it was at first.  My unemployment checks are keeping me afloat, but those only last so long.

I was asked why I no longer write much about my dad spanking me anymore while I was growing up.  After all, those were the stories that made my blog so popular back in 2006, 2007, and 2008.  I was also asked if I forgive him.  The answer to those questions is that I forgive him and also that I needed to write those experiences down in order to forgive him.  Now I have no desire to write about them anymore.  They were written from my own unique perspective, and this helped tremendously.

Although I stopped writing and have forgiven my dad (and mom), that does not mean that I have forgotten.  It’s pretty easy to dredge up a memory of how I felt when I knew punishment was imminent.  It’s pretty easy to dredge up a memory of what it felt like to get the shit beat out of me.  It’s something I will never forget, even though I have forgiven, some things you simply never forget.

Now, I am able to think of the things I did wrong and got away with, and I am able to think of the days I came home from school and my mother was baking cookies.  Life was not all black and blue, there were many other colors as well.  To be as corny as possible, I will say that “to everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven.”  Right now I am in the season of my life in which I feel compelled to leave the past in the past.


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The Jacksons 43

The Jacksons Chapter 43


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I’ve had a number of you contact me with concern for my well being due to my last post.  I’m just fine.  Most of the morbidity in that post was dark humor at the point I wrote it, but it must not have translated.  I am figuring out that I need this break from work.  I’ve had time to do a lot of thinking and it’s been helpful.  I have had several interviews for jobs, but nothing has panned out yet.  I’ll let you know when it does.  I am financially OK due to some wise choices I’ve made.  Who knew?

Anyway there is no need to worry. Life throws all sorts of crap at us, and basically we just have to deal with it. One nice thing is that my dad has been very supportive of me throughout this time.  He has called and offered to help me out in any way that I need.  It’s nice to know he’s there for me.  As you know, I have not always felt that way.

I will let you all know just as soon as I get a job.  Right now I am spending an inordinate amount of time taking care of my granddaughter and daughter who have had some crises lately.  I have found out that I really like staying at home though, so I hope I don’t get too accustomed to it.  I need to get back to work so I can feel more productive.

I guess the thing that made me feel so low initially when I first lost my job was the way things were done, which I will not go into.  I hated my boss, so I know that in the end I will be OK and much better off with a different job. So please don’t worry about me.

Please take care.  Hopefully I’ll get back to the fiction writing soon.  I am evening out emotionally and I think it’s just a matter of time before I get back to writing.  I need it.  I also need to be emotionally stable when I write, so sometimes it takes a while.

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I’m out of work at the moment.  I won’t go into detail about why this happened because I would prefer not to talk about it.  Suffice it to say, I have finally begun to accept my unemployment and realize that it might eventually turn out to be for the best.  Right now it’s tough to think about that when I have bills to pay and no money coming in to pay them.

One thing about my old job was that I was traveling an hour each way every day and the commute was killing me.  The state that I live in has a strong religious element, and the place where I was working had that same religious element times five.  I don’t fit well with people who are staunchly religious.  Does that shock you?  That is why when I came back to this state a few years ago, I moved to the larger metropolitan area of the state rather than moving back to a smaller community.  I need to stay in this metropolitan area.  There is diversity where I’m at, and very little where I was working.

As many of you know I suffer from chronic depression, and losing my job was devastating for me.  I became suicidal, but I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist and I went to see her.  She made sure my kids removed the guns from my home so that I could not kill myself with them.  I’m feeling better now, but I was in bad shape for a few days.  I felt resentful and upset, but that feeling is going away.  I have never been this vulnerable before, so this is rough for me.

I had a job interview today, but who knows if they will hire me.  I never know how well I do on interviews compared with other candidates.  It would certainly be nice to get a job right away, but who knows what the universe has in store for me next.  Sometimes I feel as if I’ve been through so much that I can’t bear to go through more, but it doesn’t matter.  I get to go through whatever comes my way.  Well, on this happy note I will end my post.  Best wishes to you all and I hope you are all feeling safe and happy.  Peace and love to each of you.



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